What is the difference?

So I have begun this year ready to eat this delicious spiritual fruit i talk about, but i am starting to wonder. Ok, firstly i do not want to play games - i think that is fairly clear. i want to get on with my purpose of loving and being happy la la la. Unfortunately, it seems to me that people just cant help themselves but take advantage of the kind hearted.

so im there loving away, noticing the bizarre nuances of people's behaviour but knowing that im not there to change anyone or anything - just there for my purpose to love and my new task to communicate better. loving and communicating ahhh. Next thing its like this evil energy starts seeping into my life, i start feeling terrible and lose more and more energy - then in the end i am bed ridden with some kind of gastro-intestinal problem. Not only that, there's a rat in my garden. A FRIGGIN RAT!

One of my lessons last year was that if things start going terribly wrong, there is something terribly wrong. in the end i have to withdraw - withdraw from new found friends, withdraw from rekindled friendships because my life and health is deteriorating rapidly. it seems that I have to go back to the tried and trusted - family, old friends and music.

Im quite sure most of you dont see the relationship between the people in my life and RATS in my garden. Dont worry, i cant be bothered explaining except to say that i have been told that there is 1 in 1000 people in the world like me. In terms of intelligence that compares to genius. unfortunately intelligence isnt the scale i am measured on. Nevertheless, if you were to say i was a genius amongst geniuses, you would probably be heading in the right direction, except the minor detail that we are comparing a scale of intelligence with...well I will let you figure that out.

In the end i just have to sit and wait - patiently, for people to be able to give me the small things i need in order that i dont rapidly begin to lose my health and my life. "Work with me!" i cry. so this fruit of patience i was so looking forward to becomes some kind of seed that i have to grow. i didnt want that - I just wanted to eat it! So as i am growing my patience fruit and looking after myself by withdrawing (I have no choice), it seems like very familiar behaviour. Its what people do when they play games! Also this patience thing, its not a gift - i have to work on it. Thats what these nasty pastie people who play games have already figured out.

Jesus (in the true sense - im sure hes reading this too), my behaviours are seeming more and more normal every day and im not sure I like it. God, I just want to love. It shouldnt be this hard. Your grace has protected me before - why isnt it my eternal force field? and by the way why is lamb so delicious.