I came across my final ramblings from my journal late last year and its only now that i realised...well something.
Love is having a home today and pets to miss. Love is wondering what will be gone next, or if its up from here. Love is music when there is no hot water. Love is Debussy's Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun, and thats the one song I can remember the title and composer of.
Love is being scared to love what you have for fear of losing it. Will I one day be homeless? I wish Dad built a house for me. He may not care.
I feel empty without the animals. Lord, where are you taking me? Am I alone? I dont feel alone.
Desolate feels like the word of the moment, even though im not sure what it means. I like my quotes, maybe I will start typing them. Modern Day Prophesies by Jacqueline Wharton.
Even the devil makes me smile.
What person can endure to the point where they accept so little that the devil can make them smile...I guess that would be me.
i found out what was going next - my income. My next dollar is coming in on 3 February - a grand total of $4.98. I have no future income, aside from my $4.98 a fortnight.
People in this country cant believe for a moment that there are those who have no income and nothing in the bank. At first its the most awful feeling - like driving without a seatbelt. then you have to stop caring about it or anything else...
So what did that word, desolate mean? I decided to do some investigating. here is what i found:
im kinda glad i didnt really know what it meant at the time. i might have become depressed. instead i was playing smilies with the devil.
Now I want to be clear that i do not under any circumstances want to be homeless. at the moment i am squatting on the bank's property. im kinda over allowing whatever is going to happen to me happen. and im definitely over being grateful for what i have. in my life it seems that the more grateful i was for the little i had, the less i came to have. i once had a lot. i dont have a lot.
This evening I sat on a prime piece of real estate by the river. this land belongs to me. this land has been saved for me through all my trials and tribulations. its not to tell the world that i told them so. its just that it is my birthright and i am going to collect it one day, soon.
in the meantime it lay in waiting as an anchor for my love for myself. an anchor for my love, for myself.
\
ILY xxx
Love is having a home today and pets to miss. Love is wondering what will be gone next, or if its up from here. Love is music when there is no hot water. Love is Debussy's Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun, and thats the one song I can remember the title and composer of.
Love is being scared to love what you have for fear of losing it. Will I one day be homeless? I wish Dad built a house for me. He may not care.
I feel empty without the animals. Lord, where are you taking me? Am I alone? I dont feel alone.
Desolate feels like the word of the moment, even though im not sure what it means. I like my quotes, maybe I will start typing them. Modern Day Prophesies by Jacqueline Wharton.
Even the devil makes me smile.
What person can endure to the point where they accept so little that the devil can make them smile...I guess that would be me.
i found out what was going next - my income. My next dollar is coming in on 3 February - a grand total of $4.98. I have no future income, aside from my $4.98 a fortnight.
People in this country cant believe for a moment that there are those who have no income and nothing in the bank. At first its the most awful feeling - like driving without a seatbelt. then you have to stop caring about it or anything else...
For the people who are sitting there telling themselves that its obviously my fault:
- im just going to agree. because i dont actually think you could handle knowing that its not - heck if that was the case it could be you one day
- i hope its you one day.
So what did that word, desolate mean? I decided to do some investigating. here is what i found:
1. barren or laid waste; devastated: a treeless, desolate landscape.
2. deprived or destitute of inhabitants; deserted; uninhabited.
3. solitary; lonely: a desolate place.
4. having the feeling of being abandoned by friends or by hope; forlorn.
5. dreary; dismal; gloomy: desolate prospects.
im kinda glad i didnt really know what it meant at the time. i might have become depressed. instead i was playing smilies with the devil.
Now I want to be clear that i do not under any circumstances want to be homeless. at the moment i am squatting on the bank's property. im kinda over allowing whatever is going to happen to me happen. and im definitely over being grateful for what i have. in my life it seems that the more grateful i was for the little i had, the less i came to have. i once had a lot. i dont have a lot.
This evening I sat on a prime piece of real estate by the river. this land belongs to me. this land has been saved for me through all my trials and tribulations. its not to tell the world that i told them so. its just that it is my birthright and i am going to collect it one day, soon.
in the meantime it lay in waiting as an anchor for my love for myself. an anchor for my love, for myself.
\
ILY xxx
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